Last week, I had to come face to face with an issue that I had flung out of my mind for many years – my deep resentment towards my paternal grandmother.
Its a resentment that is not always apparent to me, because I was blessed to meet a kind and loving teacher in Primary 3 that brought me to Christ and taught me to forgive and yield to the Lord since young. Hence, I never thought to myself that I had not really forgiven my ah mah and let go of the hurt and injustice I felt that was done to me as a child.
But once in a while, when I encounter issues of injustice or interact with people who remind me of my ah mah, a deep unhappiness and anger with the person or situation will explode out of my inner being.
Such feelings would wax and wane, rearing its ugly head when circumstances triggered it. I had gone through every known memory of people who have hurt me and forgave them, but somehow the issue remained.
Through a recent interaction with an unsuspecting person, the Lord revealed that the trigger source of the all the anger and pain I felt within was from the mistreatment and injustice done to me by my ah mah. My fury could not be contained. I found myself justifying my actions and defending my case for being angry. Surely I was justified to be angry, am I not?
The Holy Spirit did not deny that.
It was only normal to feel the way I did. But I knew the Holy Spirit brought it up so that I can be set free from this past. I now began to realise, I actually couldn’t put it down. I couldn’t forgive. And I had to humbly admit I hadn’t and I couldn’t.
That day, I told the Lord: “God, for what is done to me, I really cannot forgive. But your Word says to forgive our enemies. So I choose this day to forgive, help me to forgive Holy Spirit. Help me to do what I cannot do on my own.”
I realised somehow too I had hardened and closed my heart towards her and people, so I added,” Please take this heart of stone, and replace it with a heart of flesh. Forgive me for judging her in any way because of this.”
I’ve always been taught that forgiveness is a choice. It is. But what happens when we come face to face with something that we don’t have the strength to even forgive? I realised Christ died on the cross to give us that strength. Every price has been paid on the cross, and it is the Holy Spirit who gives us the strength to do what is not humanly possible – to forgive those who have sinned against us.
Have I been completely healed and set free? My honest answer is yes and no. Yes in the sense that God gave me a new perspective that night. He made me realise the equations I held as an 8 year old are no longer valid, and I did not need to hold on to them further. I could let it go to the Lord, and it gave me a new freedom that I did not have before. I no longer bear this ‘reflected’ anger and resentment towards the person I interacted with.
But no because I believe time is needed to grieve and heal. As the Holy Spirit continues to show me the true condition of my heart, I want to be willing and humble to come before Him with it, to turn from my own ways and come into alignment with His. I trust that He who started a good work in me will bring it to the day of completion and grant me the victory in Him!
~Xiaoqing
Thrive Church 